Friday, 12 September 2014

Writing Sample

WALT:  Entertain 

My writing goal this term was to use a variety of simple, complex, and compound sentences


I have used a variety of simple, complex and compound sentences to build interest and suspense.

Structure I have organised and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

Draft: The air smelt of peppermint everyday. Ben could here the sweetytop bird calling him to come this way. The bird was called sweetytop because you could eat it, the bird was sweet like a lollie pop and it tasted really nice. Ben walked towards the bird slowly. He could here the bird humbing along as his wings flapped up and down.

Ben had been walking with the bird since day light. Ben was tired and wanted a rest. He lay on some hay that he found in the forest and went to sleep.
Ben got up very early in the morning because he had a job to do. The bird was still there, the sweetytop greeted Ben in a very lovely way.

Ben followed the bird and then the path turned into gravel and stony rock. This is the path that leads all the way to the crystals. The bird left with a happy goodbye.
Benjamin was half way when he came to the grumpy old troll. He was a grumpy troll. He wore a long cloak to camouflage himself into the dark leaves. He was obsessed with chocolate. He liked any tipe of chocolate that was for sure. I tried to sneak past him but he saw me. I was terrified. I couldn't move an inch my body, I was trembling because he was holding a NIFE. I ran across and over to the other side of the bridge. He followed me he said, "Give me some chocolate!" I said back annoyed, "but that is my only piece of food. The troll held up his nife. I gave him the chocolate and ran for my life."My life is over." I say as I lye down. I feel ants crawling over me as my eyes shut. They start biting my skin as the go into flesh. This was the end of my life at least I thought that. Suddenly a big blurb appears out of know where. The big blurb snacked me up and took me away from the path until I couldn't see it. I was furious, after all of that. I tried to get out of the blurbs firm grip. After the blurb had stopped running he through me on the ground. I was mad as I got out my compass to lead me to the crystals. The blurb said, " Hey, where are you going." "to find the crystals to cure polio."I shout over my shoulder but I really don't think he can hear me because I am running away.
Next thing I new I could see the path and I was on my way to the cave to find the crystal juice. I was jumping up and down as I followed the path. While I was jumping like a kangaroo I thought, "this is funny because people sometimes say follow a path. It is like follow the leader."

Edited piece: Smells of peppermint waft everywhere,fresh,fresh. My nose whifts up the smell of peppermint. Smell isn't the only thing that is absolutely pleasing around here. While big tall trees make a bridge over the top of me, I feel a surge of pleasure rushing through my body.  I looked to the right and see a muddy dirt path. It has a mix of stones and mud. Mud, slimy, slimy, mud. These words ring through my head like a race car. That is the bike track that I use for sleading in the winter. It looks very different at this time of year.

How has your writing has improved this term? Yes because I have tried to improve my goal and everything else that Suzanne has said to improve.

The part of my story I am most proud of is….because…Smells of peppermint waft everywhere,fresh,fresh. My nose whifts up the smell of peppermint. Smell isn't the only thing that is absolutely pleasing around here. Because it is like a song how it doesn't stop at each sentence and move onto a totally different thing.

Next time, what is a goal you can work towards? I can work on adding more of my goal into my writing.

Feedback/Feedforward: I think that you have put imagery in my head, you are really good at building suspense. The thing I think you need to work on is putting more similes to put more imagery for the reader. 

1 comment:

  1. Amy, you really persevered with your focus piece to create impact through varied sentences, well done. It is sounding great. One of the exciting parts about being a writer is being able to play with words and sentences; like a jigsaw puzzle. Keep working on this next term won't you.